LOVE’S LABOURS GAINED

Dear Bella , when we parted you begged me to write-
And inform you all that occurs the first night.
When Frank and Emma were joined hand in hand
And allowed to perform all love can command.
But what language can tell as the wise man has said
Of the wonderful ways, of a man with a maid.
Be assured they can only be properly known
By a lecture in bed with a swain of your own.
Notwithstanding I will tell you as well as I can
The discovery I have made in the secrets of man
So that you and all common damsels may learn
How the game may be played when it comes to your turn.

When the breakfast over, the carriage and
Four well appointed and hansom drawn up to the door
We started to Brighton exactly at noon
To spend as the phrase is our sweet honeymoon.
Bright Phoebes share over the whole way
The Captain was amorous, ardent and gay
So much so indeed that although the in the carriage.
He began to indulge in the freedom of marriage.
For fear the gay rouge would have ravished ne quite
We reached our Hotel and found all things prepared.
The apartments were handsome, well furnished and aired.
And the dinner was swerved so stylish and neat.
That was really a sin not to fall and eat.
But the feast I expected a little while hence.
So engrossed every thought and extinguished and gone,
And our appetite solely engrossed in one.

Frank praised the champagnes, I thought delicious
I swore t was enough to make me still propitious
And indeed he was right for between you and me
I never felt my spirit joined and free
How the evening was spent it is useless to write.
So I knew you will skip till you read the word ‘ night’.
And are in the tip-toe of high expectations
To come to the niche, of table consummation.
Well at the end I will drop the curtain aside
And disclose all the secrets of bridegroom and bride
Detailing the whole of the process bewitching.
By which girls are cured of a troublesome itching
And men who at first impetus and rude
Are at length by weak women tamed and subdued
You remember dear Bella, how you long to discover
The joys to be found, in the arms of a lover.

And now they approached and felt in a fickle
And thought that my breast kept from my suckle
Frank saw my condition and tenderly said
“You are tired; Dear Emma, so pray go to bed.
Late hours are bane and destruction of members.
So go and I will come and watch your slumbers.”

What a sly wicked rogue! But I guessed what he meant
So covered with blushes, I obeyed and went.
I was scarcely undressed and prepared for my doom
When I heard the dear fellow glide into my room;
And as trembling I lay between transport and dread
He threw his garments and jumped into my bed.
In an instant I felt myself clasped in his arms
And as in an instant lost all my girlish alarms.
For, he soothed and gave me such kisses—
That warmed my young blood for more exquisite blisses
While his bold hands in pursuit of its game
Pressed my bosom and wandered all over my frame
And frequently trespassed, conceive my distress
Where my pen dare not write, but I am sure you guess
Declaring if man might not do as they like
The world in a short time would cease to exist.

This was allowing me time to bade me reflect
How our parents dear souls so refined and correct
Had done the same thing and indeed it was clear.
If they have not surely we would not have been here.
Moreover he said that on the morn of the day,
I had promised in church to love, honour and obey,
And the parson himself in plain extortion
Had stated that marriage and due consolation
So that those whose desire were unperturbed and friendly
Might always have something quite and handy.
Then it was plainly quite wrong to desire such distance
And thwart his desires to a petty resistance.
This reserve soon banished and love unrestricted
By fear or coyness triumphantly regained
And his wanton endearments fondly returned
Till the flame of desire irresistibly turned.
Then fondly in arms without further delay
Like a LION, he pressed eagerly his prey
And pursuing his course to the summit of friction
His strong ample lance briskly pressed for admission…

And Oh! Such a wonderful weapon his lance is!
Surprisingly far, from all our juvenile fancies;
So resistless in power, and extended in length,
That, as soon as I felt its dimension and strength,
Overcome with alarm I exclaimed with a sigh.
“Oh! For God’s sake, forbear or I am sure I will die.”
But my pains and my prayers were alike unhearded
For bent on his purpose, the supported proceeded.
But though he was armed, as I thought like a giant,
Dame nature has made us, young damsel so plaint
That expanding I yielded at every aggression
Till he acquired the completest possession.

Then I found, my dear girl, that the saying is true.
That a man and his wife are but one and not two..
For a union so close that all descriptions surpasses
And on scarce be convinced by you unwedded girls.
Deeply with the conqueror was swelling
And kindling new life in his snug like dwelling,
Whilst our limbs interwoven in prime act position
And completed the function so well termed cohesion.
The conflict now raging was ravishing quite
All my pains became pleasure and all my tears delight
Whilst the great engine of bliss in perpetual motion
Played its excellent part with skill and devotion.
That as each thrust was impressively given
I felt quite enchanted and wafted to heaven
Round his vigorous frame like a tendril I turned
While our lips in lascivious kissing were joined
And we reveled in joy till our transport at last
Reached the crisis of human’s delightful repast
When my rapturous full tide overwhelmed and oppressed
When again we pursued our connubial enjoyment
While murmur of ecstasy marked every stroke
And the bed in its creaking, our ardour bespoke
Till we soon completed the best operation
And again paid together our mutual liberation
Thus alternatively sporting and sleeping we lay
Ttill Phoebus has mounted the chariot of the day.
Five times we indulged in our amorous riot
Till our hero at length, seemed disposed to be quiet.
But to tell you the truth had he given a scour
I still would have eagerly counted more.
But prudent he thought it to observe
The maxim of keeping a crop reserve;
Without he would surely not shine with elect.
And his male friends may he was of horse-ride combat.
Still I clung round him with unquenched desire
And fanned the embers of love’s dropping fire.
Grown bold I extended my soft loving hand
And felt my dear play fellow gently expand
Till he attained the completest perfection
And proudly stood forth, in the grandest erection.

But my laughing tormentor still on his back
And said it was my hour to commence the attack.
So I mounted alone and as something drag on
I acted the part of St. George and Dragon
And managed it too with such skill and address
That it too was crowned the wishes for success.
This completed the sports of the wonderful night
And placed the last seal on the work of delight.
So we rose to perform our respective ablution,
And washed off the stains of our frequent pollutions.
But words after all can faintly reveal
The joys that in wedlock, you are destined feel;
Then loose not a moment, my dear Isabella!
But fly to the arms of some handsome young fellow
Make haste and get married as soon as you can
For life is but a blank, till enjoyed with a man.
He will quickly remove every girlish dilemma
And make you as blessed as your dear Emma…. [Anon.]